Pop songs are as central to anime as transforming mecha and jailbait in school threads. Misunderstood and mistreated by mainstream America, anime pop songs enjoy a popularity that remains tethered to the core of the anime fan community. For this month's KareKano column, Akadot compiled a CD of anime pop ditties from across the anime spectrum for the sole purpose of dipping it, like litmus paper, into the counterculture vat and learning just how acidic it can be.

Our visiting, boorish-toned columnist Matt Yamashita and resident razor-tongued critic Shawna James each chime in on the merits of pop music in anime, answering the question arrogant musical elitists the world over are asking: Is it really music?

Having procrastinated to my utmost, I grab the CD-shaped canker from off my desk and pop it into the machine with the all the bluster of a graveyard whistler. I've watched six hours of "Pokemon" tapes. How bad can a little anime music be? It's only a few songs, and I need my Akadot check to pay off the mortgage on the family farm. So I go ahead. I open the case. Pandora would be proud.

What? There must be something wrong with my stereo? That's not English. That's not even music. Frankly, I don't know if I would classify that as sound. It's sonic torture. But it's only the first song. The rest of the songs are better, right? The friendly folks at Akadot would never subject a valued member of their staff to an hour and a half of synthesizer seppuku. It will all be over by track two.

The hell it will. Track two is worse than track one. Who picked this topic, anyway? I never should have written the anti-bishonen column. An anti-bishonen column will make a lot of enemies in a company run by women. By stupid women. Stupid women? That's redundant. Whoa! Track three is the worst yet. Japanese people should not be allowed to make music. Period. Isn't breaking up the Beatles enough for one country? Like every reasonable adult, I fast forward through the musical interludes at the beginning and end of each episode. That's why they're there. To test out your remote and make sure it's working. Not to listen to. And for Christ's sake not to compile into one nightmarish CD. Oh, I'm sorry God. Did I use your name is vain? Well, screw you. Why did you have to give me ears, anyway?

I didn't mean it God. It's just…this music really sucks. I'll do anything to make it stop sucking so much. Look, I'm cleaning up my room. And I'm throwing out my porno mags…hey, check her out…I mean, cast her out. Right into the trashcan. I'll even post a formal apology to E.W.C. for making her look stupid with my superior pontification. Anything. I know it's not your fault. It's not even Japan's fault. We have brainless pop music too. Like Brittney Spears and the Meaty Cheesy Boys. Just one good track, please....hey, wait a second. This song is pretty good. And it's in English. Let's see. Track 7. "Fly Me to the Moon", the end song from the TV version of EVA. Gee, God. You're OK after all.

Nothing is OK. Track 8 was bad again. And track 9 is worse. There's just no reason to go on. Forget all that stuff I said about Brittney Spears. I mean, her music is terrible. The only time I hear her songs is when I watch her boobs…I mean, her videos. And that's the point of anime pop too. It goes well with young, taught buttocks on screen. But standing on its own? As music? This track is from the "Sakura Diaries," and it's so lousy that I probably won't be able to enjoy Sakura's breasts the next time I see them because I'll be thinking of this terrible tune. Man delights not me now that I've heard the horror of humanity's bad taste. Ask not for whom the Anime pop tolls. It tolls for me. I'm the one who works with people who actually like this stuff. Damn these trigger locks. Now I'm going to have to try and tie a noose.

OK, world. This is one columnist you're not going to have to kick around anymore. My only regret...hey, foot, stop wiggling. I haven't finished my farewell speech and you're going to knock the stool over. I said stop wiggling, foot. Wait. You're not wiggling. You're tapping. I'm tapping my feet. And my head. My head is bouncing to the music. You know, when I don't pay attention to how bad it is, this music is OK. Innocuous. It fades into the background. Like the songs they play in the mall and traffic in Los Angeles. Bad. But charming nonetheless. My tastes are just poor enough to accommodate anime pop. Especially when I have to listen to it over and over again. Like I just did. Anything sounds reasonable after prolonged periods of exposure. Even George W. Bush. Maybe the next time I watch a show I'll leave the sound up during the end credits. Maybe next time I'll leave the sound up during the show, too (normally I just read the subtitles). This was a trying experience. But I feel I've come out of it wiser and more emotionally mature.

Now can anyone help me through the five stages of getting a noose off your neck? (Matt)

As an illustrious singer once sang, "Music brings people together." Sounds good if everyone were from the same church denomination and ecclesiastic ditties saturated the airways. Peace on earth and all. But music inexorably spurs heated arguments and national scandals. Think John Lennon claiming the Beatles were more popular than God, or Ice T rapping about cop killing. And again, look at Matt in this week's KareKano column claiming that anime pop is only good for mindless background noise, when it has so many practical applications.

One, two, three, four, up, down, side, side, don't give up, you're almost there. That's right ladies. That's right guys. Kick your heels to trim those thighs. The beat goes on. The beat goes on. Tenshi no E no Gu from "Macross" gets off to a great start and will make you want to sing, "La, la, la" while you transform into a superstar prince or princess, capable of anything…even twenty successive sit-ups.

What does every American listen to when he/she cleans house? Oldies, right? Oldies always inspire that good old-fashioned 50's work ethic, and remind us that a dry martini is waiting for us at the end of a hard day's work. Anime pop has some distinct Oldies pop overtones. Ureshi Namida from "Video Girl Ai" even begins with "shoo be do wap." The CD I was given then moves into some old fashioned love songs that are presumably vocalizing all the hopes and dreams of lovers (I don't speak Japanese, but the tunes inherently suggest love songs. Trust me). So scrub those kitchen floors clean in four/four time, and then have your significant other's slippers waiting for him/her as you ponder all your missed opportunities by listening to love songs.

Anime music works great to pump up athletes before sporting events. "Sobakasu" from "Rurouni Kenshin" can only be described as having a head bobbing fast beat--the perfect combination for a warm up song before the big game. I scientifically tested the pump up value of anime pop with my own basketball team. Though we are always fierce on the court, after having warmed up to "It's Gonna Rain" we only lost our game by twenty-six points instead of the usual thirty point average. Big results warrant big changes. Anime pop will also pump you up for your late night assassin work. Everyone knows how hard it can be to have to go out and covertly kill a person after looking forward to just staying home and watching "Ally McBeal" or anime. If you only had some "Driver's High" from "GTO" an aura of coolness would surround you and prepare your mind for your duties.

If you are ever in the position of being able to save the world from evil masterminds, alien invaders or just plain stupid people, anime pop will make great theme music. With Matt falling into one of the three previously mentioned categories (you decide which one), the world is even now, in supposedly peaceful times, really in great danger. Not to worry, anime pop will patriotically empower you to do the right thing.

Hopefully you were smart enough to make Matt's death look like a suicide. Not too difficult since he already had a noose around his neck. But, if brought up on legal charges, move to Oregon, play the heart swelling, "fight for the people" - style anime songs during your trial, and argue that you were helping Matt out of his misery. Since assisted suicide is legal in Oregon, and no jury will want to convict a person interested in fighting for the people, you should have no worries.

It's all there. How can anyone ignore such useful music? With anime pop, anything is possible. Cue guitar beat, track nine and fade to black. (Shawna)

The following is a list of the anime pop songs provided to Matt and Shawna:

1. Macross - "Tenshi no E no Gu" (Mari Iijima) [Movie ED]

2. DNA^2 - "Blurry Eyes" (L'arc~en~Ciel) [TV OP]

3. Ranma 1/2 - "Love Panic!" (YAWMIN) [OAV 1st OP]

4. Video Girl Ai - "Ureshii Namida" (Noriko Sakai) [OAV OP]

5. Video Girl Ai - "Ano Hi Ni" (Maki Kumura) [OAV ED]

6. EVA - "Zankoku na Tenshi no Tesis" [TV OP]

7. EVA - "Fly Me to the Moon" (Yoko Takahashi Acid Bossa Version) [TV ED]

8. Rurouni Kenshin - "Sobakasu" (JUDY & MARY) [TV 1st OP]

9. Rurouni Kenshin - "1/2" (Makoto Kawamoto) [TV 2nd OP]

10. Rurouni Kenshin - "It's Gonna Rain" (Bonnie Pink) [TV 4th ED]

11. Card Captor Sakura - "Groovy!" (Hiromi Kouse) [TV 1st ED]

12. Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou - "Yume no Naka e" [TV ED]

13. Serial Experiments Lain - "duvet" (BOA) [TV OP]

14. GTO - "Driver's High" (L'arc~en~Ciel) [TV 1st OP]

15. GTO - "Hitori No Yoru" (Porno Graffitti) [TV 2nd OP]

16. GTO - "Shizuku" (Miwako Okuda) [TV ED]

17. Sakura Diaries - "Kimi no Mado Kara" [OAV ED]

18. FLCL - "Ride on Shooting Star" (The Pillows) [OAV ED]

The views and opinions expressed in The KareKano column are solely those of Matt Yamashita and Shawna James and do not necessarily represent the views of Digital Manga, AKADOT or its sponsors.