Love on acetate. Or rather, getting your rocks off through acetate. Or is attraction something more ・acetate or not. Matt Yamashita and Stephanie Sheh offer their own unique perspectives on the question and come up with surprisingly similar conclusions.

Forget about the once-booming economy, or the glories of online shopping. The internet superhighway has but two worthwhile off-ramps. The first is this site. Akadot - where anime news is read (uncomfortable pause). The second is "Monkey Hot or Not" - a segment of modernhumorist.com. They show you pictures of monkeys in various stages of repose and you answer the all-important question ... "hot or not?" More precisely you rate the simians on a scale of one to ten, one being a very homely monkey and ten being me. I've spent many a pleasant afternoon passing judgment on our primate cousins, critiquing the slope of a brow or the gentle curve of a swollen gland. And I've got to say. Some monkeys are not, but then again, some monkeys are hot.

Which brings us to the question of the day. Can anime characters be attractive? Sure. Even monkeys can be attractive. By comparison, to other less attractive monkeys. And just last week, Texas law enforcement announced the culmination of a kiddie-porn sting operation that netted a quarter billion computer pedophiles. Anything can attract some people. Just as some people can be attracted to anything. Our editor, Luis Reyes, is an example of both phenomenons simultaneously. Are you attracted to anime characters? And just what kind of people would anime characters attract? What is the attraction for some writers to use italics? (I don't know・ guess they're just font of them).

I am not predisposed to fantasizing about cartoons. Yes, I found Bugs Bunny attractive when he wore a dress. And yes, I dreamed of finding Scooby and Shaggy's hidden stash. But all five-year-olds have those fantasies. The vast majority of my early childhood exposure to animation came from Mssrs. Hanna and Barbara. Not surprisingly, I developed a very platonic relationship with my cartoon heroes. Nobody has a crush on Yogi Bear. Except Boo-boo. And Tom Cruise (you didn't hear it here).

But as any normally functioning male can tell you, "Armitage" is no Jane Jetson. Regardless of whether they succeed in their goal, anime characters are trying to attract me. And some do. Long legs. Big eyes staring up at you from the side of the bed. I could do without all the blue and red hair - it makes me think of Grover and Elmo. But basically, these girls have all their body parts in order. Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop is flat sexy. And I've already expressed a fondness for Shampoo, both the girl and the hair tonic. The sailor scouts are nice. I think they're like twelve, which gets us back to the Texas thing, but come on. They were all drawn by adults. And Pikachu. Pikachu and I could make some crazy, tantric love. Poke-these-balls.

But despite all the best intentions, and breasts unrestrained by the force of gravity, the vast majority of anime pin-up girls just don't do it for me. Why? Personality. Men care more about personality than they do about pouty lips and perfect skin. Some men even care more about personality than they do about how a chick looks naked. Granted, there are only two such men still in existence, and both are kept in captivity by Oprah Winfrey. But they're out there. Bad personalities are turning me off to anime hotties. That and the thing with the nose. When Charlize Theron gets surprised her nose doesn't disappear. If that was how it worked then for the love of God would someone surprise Barbara Streisand. If I'm going to work up an attraction to a girl, the last thing I want is for parts of her face to disappear depending on her mood. Brains disappearing・hat I've gotten used to.

Anime starlets seem to come in two categories. The ultra-submissive shy type and the sword-wielding girl-power model. The latter is just a bad idea. Hot women and sharp knives. Remember that Bobbit fellow? Plus these girls are always bent on saving the world. They have sordid pasts rife with heartache and violence. They're cops fighting monsters or robots fighting cops・asically, they are career girls. When the brassy babes of "Silent Mobius" walk through the front door at the end of the day, all they're going to want to do is pop a lean-cuisine pizza in the microwave and tell me how hard it is fighting Lucifer Hawks. No thanks. And I'll pass on the doe-y eyed whisperers as well. High probability of post break-up freak out. You know, crying in public, calling at all hours. And if you do stay together more than a month, she'll start whispering about her biologic clock.

And that's the biggest turnoff. The talking. This goes for all girls, animated or otherwise. With anime girls you've got two choices. Either they talk in Japanese with subtitles (yeah, talk dirty to me・ait・ot so fast・'m trying to read) or they talk in dub. Yikes. Those high voices. And all those weird noises they make to fill in the lip movements. Then they talk real fast for one line and real slow for another. Stop a moment and imagine the annoyance. Take a cue from the playboy centerfold. Silence is golden.

Are the images in the centerfold more real than the girls of anime? No. Both are mere constructs of feminine sexuality, carefully designed to arouse and tantalize. But mere constructs can never take the place of a real flesh and blood woman - one who will both love and protect you and get you off. No. For that you will need a Labrador and a box of tissues. Or perhaps a perfect ten baboon. (Matt)

This month, Matt finally got a couple of things right. Firstly and most importantly, he is a monkey. And it is most important to know thyself. No wonder he spends so much time in front of a computer deciding which primates are hot or not. And secondly, Akadot is one of the few worthwhile internet off-ramps. Thanks Matt, your bananas and check are in the mail. Speaking of which, brings us back to this month's topic.

Yes, I strongly believe that anime men can be attractive. I'll admit that there have been a couple of times when I've wished that I had the ability to become two-dimensional so that I could take part in my own animated romp. (Although, those who know me personally will tell you I'm pretty flat already.) So I guess you could say that I am in agreement with our resident primate. And now that you have the alpha ape's take on anime attraction. Let me give you the other side.

It's really very simple. I find that the qualities that make a real life human man attractive are the same ones that make his animated counterpart desirable as well. And interestingly enough, it seems to me that all of Mr. Baboon's complaints and extolled virtues about animated women fall in line with what a stereotypical boorish pig of a man would think, although Matt will try to claim otherwise. He says most anime pin-up girls don't do it for him. Why? Personality. "Men care more about personality than they do about pouty lips and perfect skin." Ha! Don't make me vomit. "Some men even care more about personality than they do about how a chick looks naked." Double ha! Well, Matt can't be one of them. That's why he has listed talking as his biggest anime girl turnoff. The only problem that he has with personality is that he doesn't want his girls to have one. The truth is, real life or not, he just wants to monkey around with a girl that comes with her own flotation devices.

As for myself however, I can proudly say that a beautiful face and long flowing hair, through which you can see nicely arched eyebrows, are not enough to draw me. Why? Personality. And unlike my forehead-sloping hairy friend over there, I like personality. And I like my men, animated or otherwise, to have one. In fact, it is often the deciding factor in anime attraction. "Cowboy Bebop's" Spike Spiegel wouldn't be half as attractive without his goofy laidback demeanor. Tamahome's immense popularity among girls has much to do with his love for his family and devotion to Miaka. Of course, it also helps that he's hot. I won't deny it. My point is that, for me at least, it's not a purely physical attraction.

However, some people may claim that they cannot be physically attracted to a two-dimensional drawing. Regardless of whether these individuals are just deluded, a look at the archetypes and formulas of anime characters can provide us with a sociological analysis of human sexual attraction. If we go along with the notion that anime women and men are created as the viewers' fantasies, we can make several revealing discoveries about what men and women in general find attractive.

Although Curious George thinks that the only two categories for anime girls are either submissive or domineering, (interestingly enough this is also a common misconception about Asian women) the true formula involves long skinny legs and a gravity-defying chest. What's even more fascinating is the gratuitous panty and boob shots in anime. Anime suffers from the most cases of random and spontaneous clothing disintegration than any other medium. (It also has the most cases of "I didn't do my laundry so now I must wear dental floss.") On the flip side though, you don't see many male asses prancing around. Nor will you find Ranma and the "Gundam" boys sporting speedos. What you will find instead are brave heroic characters who are dedicated to their women.

So yes, real people can find hand-drawn cel-painted people attractive. The same qualities that one finds attractive in their real life mates are the qualities that draw them to animated characters. But anime objects of affection are like any other crushes on celebrities and they should be understood for what they are, fantasies. If it goes beyond that it's not healthy, which leads me to my final point. Pikachu? Bugs Bunny? As far as that goes, I have one word for Matt. Help. Go get some. Because last time I checked, it was called bestiality. But maybe it doesn't count as that if you're a monkey. (Stephanie)

Cowboy Bebop © Sunrise / Bandai Ent.

Outlaw Star © Sunrise / Bandai Ent.

The Adolescence of Utena © 1997 Be-PaPas.SAITO CHIHO / SHOGAKUKAN.SHOKAKU.TV-TOKYO © 1999-2000 Shojo Kakumei UTENA Seisaku Iinkai.

Hand Maid May © Pioneer Ent.

The views and opinions expressed in The KareKano column are solely those of Matt Yamashita and Stephanie Sheh and do not necessarily represent the views of Digital Manga, AKADOT or its sponsors.